“Come on, it would only be for a few hours. It’s not like you do it that often anyway.”

“I’m sorry you guys have like a football team but your kids are gross and I don’t want to do it. Besides, leave me in charge and I’ll probably lose one. I don’t even know all of their names. One time, my friend asked me to pick her son up from day care and I brought home a three year old girl. They all look the same to me.”

“…dude, those are my kids.”

“Yeah, the truth hurts, big guy.” 

[jesse walks into the living room] “how’s the search going?”
“i can’t believe you talked me into doing this.”
“you agreed. what’s the status report babe?”
[bee sighs] “he hasn’t picked one yet.”
“how do people do internet dating…”
“here, let me look for you.”
[josh pauses for a moment and raises his brow] “this chick’s into s&m…”
“if you wanted s&m, i could’ve hooked you up with that girl from work!”

(via captnhikarusulu)

“Hey, I was wrong. You’re not so bad at this after all.”

“Yeah, I’m doing pretty okay.”

“Wait, I think you’re suffocating one.”

“Shut—(goes to check)— shut up, I am not.”

jesus—chrysler:

“jesse, i’m really pissed at you right now.”

“i know. i’m sorry. i—i panicked. i’m not sure how to act with carols gone and then you just dropped this massive bomb on me. i just—i—uhhh—”

(jesse’s eyes drop to her thighs)

(bee suddenly looks over at him and catches him)

“oh my god. you’re totally perving on me right now! what the hell is wrong with you?”

“i was not. i was gathering my thoughts.”

(short pause and he faces forward)

“it’s totally not my fault when you wear that skirt.”

“how did i let you father five of my children?”

“… how long have we been out here?”
“fuck if i know.  when did our wives want us back in?”
“… fuck, i forgot.”
“you’re such a fucking drunk.”
“says the woman with the biggest fucking merlot glass in the world.” 

jesus—chrysler:

“so what do you think? does it make a statement?”

“what are you going for? never getting laid again?”

“walk away before i remove something you need.”

(jeanet wields a knife)

“i knew i shouldn’t have listened to mom and invited you to my vow renewal ceremony.”

jesus—chrysler:

“look at you. you look great.”

“really?”

“fuck no. you look horrible, fortune cookie.”

(jesse laughs softly and carols smiles)

“thanks, buddha.”

(jenn walks up to the door of their bedroom where cate is crying)
“babe?  what’s wrong?  what happened?”
(cate looks up)  ”carols died.” 

“where is the rest of the dapper gang?”

“jesse took them to the park at two. so they should be in the custody of children’s services by now.” (looks back) “what are you looking at?”

“so how does it work?”

“a sink?”

“no. do they just walk out of your vagina now?”

“how dare you! my kids have more manners than that. they knock first.”